Tuesday, November 6, 2012

TRUTH: Sickness, Joy and Guilt

I took a day off of work yesterday. I woke up, threw up, then my husband put me back to bed. I had work later in the day. How could I afford to miss work? You may be thinking, "Well, that's easy, you're sick." In my case, it wasn't easy.

My Truth Is: I felt guilty for calling off work because I was sick. 

I felt guilty because it's the busiest time of the month at my job and I wasn't there to help out. I felt as though I was letting my co workers down. In reality this comes to, I felt guilty for putting myself first. I chose myself over the job and that did not completely sit well with me. I was supposed to push through. I have gotten sick in the morning and went to work before. Those days were different. I felt okay after.Unlike yesterday.

I was dreading going to work from 12pm -9pm. I was dreading putting my clothes on. My hand shook slightly as I ate some soup. My mind had moments of fogginess. I didn't get out of bed, again, until 2:30pm. For me, who considers sleeping Way In 12pm, this said something. I was exhausted, not well and needed the rest. If this was the case? Why such hard feelings? 

I have come to find, that I am the ring leader in sabotage when it comes to my own happiness and well being. Even the smallest thing like sitting for 5 minutes to clear the mind clutter can be a challenge. Perfectionism gets in the way. I believe having the "right" time and the "right" place to sit for a few minutes are required to clear my head. Perfection isn't real! So why try to strive for it?! I even pride myself on the fact I know I am imperfect, and that coloring outside the lines can be beautiful and freeing. 

The heart and mind are two different entities. The mind shouts it's demands and the heart whispers it's needs. 

The beginning of joy came from the fact I decided to lie on the floor. I decided to take a savasana and see if I could do a body scan. Though the body scan didn't really help me out much, it did give me a moment to think. I gave myself the opportunity to be present and make a decision by asking, "How do I feel? Is it worth going in?"

I could feel the soup moving down my intestines in an uncomfortable way. I remembered the shaky spoon in my hand. I remembered hunching over a trash can. Thoughts of a long 55 hour week at work. Six days in a row. The another six days I was in the middle of. 12pm - 9pm. Did I really want to trudge through the day feeling like this? I remembered the tears the night before. Having to stop writing in my journal being overcome with crying at the thought of three more days in a row. I thought about myself. I should be kind, loving, take care. I chatted briefly with my network in the morning as to why I couldn't make the chat. They reminded me to take care of my health. My husband did as well.

And so I did. Joy.

I called work,feeling guilty, but stood by the fact I was not coming in. I was sorely needed, but so is my health. So is a good state of mind. Joy comes from the fact I made the decision to take care of this body I live in. Though sick, I showered, did my hair and changed into clean house clothes. I took care of the outside a bit, to encourage the inside. I got to write (Oh My Joy!), share my truths and later in the day talk to my network. Joy from seeing my husband walk in the door even though he was not feeling well either. Joy from saying Yes to loving myself.  

The truth is I made the right decision. Though a part of me is biting its finger nails at it. 

What is your truth today? 

Namaste all, 

~Chelle, WY

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