Zombies: Walking Rigamortis

As some of you may know, I am going through a transition in my life. One that needs to happen very soon and that I have been fearful to put into fruition. I admit, one of the fears is my ability to what needs to be done. The other fear is the fact that my life decision doesn't just effect me. I have a husband and if I plan to run away and join the circus that's all good and dandy but I leave my partner with all the bills. "Hey honey, going through some stuff, just gonna drop everything and figure it all out, remember the bills and rent and I'll see you when I'm back". Yeah, not okay. At least not without the proper explanation and set up to still support the household.

So I know your thinking, blah blah, what about the zombies? Hey, isn't there enough of that these days anyway? ( I kid. Sort of).

Here is my point, it feels like my body is dying when I feel how stiff I am. It doesn't help the absolute lack of yoga that's been my life for weeks! At the same time, even through unfortunate long bouts without yoga, I have never felt this way in my life on a consistent basis. It all began that week of almost 60 hours at Not Ashtanga aka work. It hasn't gone away since. Then the week before this one, I felt fine, but I had a few symptoms that I thought could be related to a cold. Not major sniffing or sneezing like now. And then this week, after being unable to stay warm (so zombie) in the cooler, going in and out to try to warm up (that helped sheesh!) I end up with a full blown cold by the end of the day. 

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It's like I'm turning into a zombie. You start experiencing vague symptoms, an itch there, an odd urge. Then more specific ones like coughing (no blood here though). Then you finally change into the walking dead! Rigamortis and brainless overeating. Stiff from working and snacking all day because I run around so much. Got to keep my energy up. Plus I'm always thirsty or hungry (much like the undead with their metabolisms) and seeing unhappiness sits in your taste buds you must become happy with a snack yes? (The real answer is no but that's for another day) See the zombie relation there? I do Not however have any desire to eat human flesh. You're good. 

 You don't really feel pain in the same way either as an animated corpse. Something may hurt a bit, but it becomes more of an inconvenience than anything. A zombie's arm gets blown off,and they are shocked an pissed mostly because now they have to try to eat you left handed (as a human it was righty) and the blast from the shotgun delayed it 1.5 seconds from charging it's meal. I mean honestly, on the job I look at my hands and wrists and go, "Where on earth did I get new little cuts on myself?" or "Ow, I just jammed something into my leg, it really hurts but no time for that." Then go home and see, geez, that was bleeding a little. 

A specific part of me that is "decaying" are my hands. My hands used to be my favorite part on my body. Maybe they still are. Maybe they will be  again. I always liked how they looked. Slender fingers and good skin. Nicely growing nails. I Write with them! Now when I look at them, I get a bit fearful and sad. What new cuts have they endured? Why are they so dry and worn looking? For the longest time my nails couldn't grow past a certain point without being broken off, Thanks not Ashtanga. 

 I have not written a post in too long for myself and haven't submitted any to websites either. I looked at my hands yesterday, dear goodness what are they?! They were white and raw. (Shea butter to the rescue!) I mean, I could see flaky skin on the back of my right hand as if it had aged and was loosing moisture before inevitable decomposition. I know part of it is because of constant hand washing from the job. No it's not OCD but I can see the message in that. And sanitizing so not to infect anything that needs touching on shelving after a brief sneezing fit. 

The point is the symbolism behind it. The decay of the physical connecting to the decay of the spiritual and artistic life. Make sense? I can see myself turning into a physical zombie, dying on the outside, and therefore see my art, dreams and purpose slowly fading away, decomposing, struggling to stay present in my mind. Trying to not lose my mind and drifting into the undead. 

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There is hope! Ah-ha-ha yes my dear friends! This is not Resident Evil 100 or whatever it is now. (I mean really, let them be happy or end it all!). It's a bit more I Am Legend. Though probably one of the most depressing movies I have ever seen, at least there was a cure! Yes, humanity can be saved! All I have to do is quit my job, become a full time writer and yogi and live happily ever after. Aaaaand go! 

Okay, so it's easy and not easy. I do have a loving husband who is absolutely amazing and that would be kind of, I don't know, inconsiderate, for me to just drop everything at the tip of a hat. Or is it? That is my struggle. (oh did I mention I have a bit of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome? Do what makes you happy! vs Be considerate of others! Halloween is in full bloom in this girl. *jack-o-lantern smile*)

I want to be a Writer, Yogi, Wife, Traveler, Searcher of Spirituality and leader to help others find there's, Connector of People, Open Book. The average 9am -5pm job has absolutely no appeal. Life is about Fun! There, I said it! Life is about Fun, not work and Damnit that is what it shall be. Well, one day.

But seriously, the cure. In the movie, I think he was strapping these zombie people to the table and starving the zombie out of them. Along with the cure he was working on. Again, I only saw the movie once. Really good but depressing! Either way, it's a great idea. Metaphorically be strapped to a table unable to do the things that are no good. (for the zombies killing and infecting people). 

For me, can't work a job that doesn't make me happy if I'm strapped to a table. (aka quit) That's ripped out of my life. Not fully committing to my dreams and purpose will become torture. Just laying around I have nothing more to do but to think about them. Fear from making things happen turns into fear of not being able to if I stay on this table. Insecurity has been greatly dulled. I may still be insecure a little when I am freed but it's either go after what I want or go back to the table. Starve all the bad out. Start dying. Just enough to regain my mind and be brought back to who I really am.

Then begin to get injected with the cure. Never working another job that doesn't have the slightest bit of meaning to me. Practicing yoga at least 4 times a week. Writing, writing, writing and some more! Following my dreams. No wait, even better. Grab my dreams by the hands like a best friend and walk together. Studying yoga philosophy, the chakras, my spirituality. Inspire others to do the same and perhaps one day teach them.

I know I talk about this often. Unfortunately I am a person of many beginnings. I start over and over and over. And eventually I won't have to start over again. I will continue forward. I will say this, I rather start over again, then fail and never begin again. 

The good things is, I am soooo on my way to finally continuing with this beginning. Since I'm figuratively dying and all. Turning into a zombie with my walking rigamortis. What makes it so hard is that there is no hero to come in determined to change me back. I have to find my own abandoned lab, strap myself down and experiment. Like those enthusiastic mad scientists determined to prove themselves right so they become their own Guinea pig.

So here goes to the self cure.

Namaste with love,

~Chelle aka Writer Yogi

Lesson From "Labyrinth"

Following your heart is not something you always recognize right away. Sometimes you have to be in the middle of it to understand that's what you're doing. You may have to be in the middle of whatever you are going through to realize, "There is a lesson here I'm supposed to learn."

Lately my heart's been sending me a message through a simple repetitive thought. Not much detail to it like in Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. Sara, the heroine, was a young woman on a simple mission "I have to save my baby brother." That's the only thing she thought her journey was about and it ended up being so much more.

There's not always need for the message to be in depth. The details will arise  upon the onset of the adventure. You just have to know there's a trip that needs taking and get ready to go! I began  to understand the repetitive thought was keeping time with my heartbeat. That's when I realized this was something I HAD to do. It was a journey I needed to take and I was afraid.

This fear did not come from the adventure itself. I was afraid of where it would take me. More specifically, who it might take me away from. Not wanting to leave someone behind or have them feel left out or abandoned is hard to deal with. There is a line where Sara tells her new friends before the final face off, "I have to do this alone." When her friends ask why, she simply said, "Because that is how it's done." 

Sometimes we need to do things alone. There is a adventure, fight, talk or whatever that needs to be done by ourselves. As much as we want to bring out loved ones, we can't because that's how it's done. If it's a journey specifically for you, just because you have to take a major part of it alone, doesn't mean you can't come back with the other's when it's over. That's when I started to feel a little better.

At the end of the movie, Sara's new friends tell her "Should you need us..." they will always be there. Her reply was "I need you. All of you". And there they were! Though she began her trek alone, met friends along the way, and had to finish the last stretch by herself again, that didn't mean she was forever severed from her new acquaintances. She began her journey for her baby brother, and ended up learning how to grow up.

I'm learning that certain personal growth and change takes your own doing. You can't always bring everyone you want to come along. It may not be the trip they need to take (whether they want to come or not) and that's okay. I have a personal path that my heart has been beating for. I've finally listened to the rhythm and now I am preparing to go. It turns out, those I am leaving behind, for a brief while, are supportive and want me to experience what means so much to me. 

Listen to your hearts repetitive rhythmic words. Don't be afraid of what it's beating even if you have to leave for awhile. You can always come back to the ones you love. There's no need to stay away. Tell them where you are going, make your journey,and come back wiser and stronger than before. 

Namaste my friends,

~Chelle aka Writer Yogi 

Dear Father's of Mine Who Have Passed

I wrote this as a response to Jennifer Pastiloff's post asking for letters to someone alive or passed. It was part of one of her posts to encourage connection between everyone and have us share our stories. I put it in my blog as a draft, and I kept it for some time and I'm not sure why. 

Perhaps because when I wrote it, I wasn't expecting what came out. Or I didn't realize that I was loved by three father figures in my life growing up in a single parent mother home and being around my friend's mothers. The dad's didn't influence us at all.

After high school, I found out that without even knowing it, my definition of a dad was "That guy married to your friend's mom who doesn't really talk to us (or when he does it's just annoying) and that your mom doesn't really like". Something to that extent. Which when you look at it is pretty bad. 

I am sad about the short time I got to have with my fathers. I do wish I could have spent some of that time better. I can say that I am very fortunate to have had them at all. Three of them. I guess, in a way, her post made me realize, instead of having no father's in my life at all, throughout this first quarter of my life, I have had three. This lifts and saddens my heart at the same time. Regardless, I believe the joy will eventually outweight the sorrow if I look at it the right way. 

I had three Father's in my life who loved me very much. Still something surprising and crazy to wrap my head around. I suppose though, when it comes to love, that's all that really matters. Here's my letter...

Dear Father's of Mine Who Have Passed,

Grandfather, thank you for playing games with me in your big old leather chair. I remember the cool feel of the brown and the smooth cracks with fluff I'd stick my fingers in. I will never forget you reaching over to the side pulling a lever, saying I broke the chair as we reclined and me laughing wildly as I shout "I saw you!"

Step Father Larry, thank you for loving my mother and letting her love you. You were the first man in my adult life to like me as a daughter. Growing up around mothers (and fathers that did nothing) I didn't understand it. I do still love you and I'm happy you loved me and my sister too.

Dad, I know we didn't know what do to with each other the first and only time we met. We didn't understand how one so old and one so young could meet on common ground. Thank you for telling my oldest brother, who you were very close to, how much you loved me. It means a lot.

Namaste my Friends,

~WY

Your Line of Sight

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Who are you?  Take a moment to think about your answer.  Now, think about where your answer came from.  Is all of it from you?  A quick response may be "Yes!"  Let's think about it.


A friend of mine called me "The Writer Yogi". (XOXO Sherry) Is that who I was when she said so?  For her, yes.  For myself, it wasn't...yet.  Just because someone else says you're something, doesn't mean it's true.  No matter if it's positive or negative.  Sherry could say all day long I'm the Writer Yogi but that is her perspective and not mine until I go with it.  We discussed this and agreed I should take claim over this identity since it's what I wanted to be so badly.  Now look at me :-) !  Writing inspiration to others and myself about the yoga journey and its connection to life.  By claiming something, making it yours and believing it's true, makes it so! 

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It reminds me of the first time I attempted Crow Pose.  I never imagined myself being able to support my body on my arms and balancing.  I haven't gotten it yet. It will come!  My first shots at attempting, I remember the thoughts that ran through my brain.  I was afraid thinking, "I can't! I'll break my wrists, then I won't be able to work, then won't be able to pay rent..." And so on.  Yeaaaaaah... Not very positive and full of fear!


Less than 30 seconds later I thought, "Do it.  Even if you fall on your face.  Fall down Rachelle.  You'll be fine."  I did just that. My feet went into the air for a split second! Woot!  I was (and still am) so proud!  I even fell over which is awesome because I was fine as I thought I would be!


What made this experience so uplifting and exciting was I perceived a situation as impossible.  So it was, I didn't move.  Didn't even try.  As soon as I saw it as possible, something happened!  Though not a full crow pose, the best part was being unafraid to try, getting results, falling down and laughing as I got up.


Unfortunately, it goes for negative thoughts as well.  If I believe there is a pose I can't do or achieve, there is a slim to none chance I will.  You see, your perception is your reality.  It is true that if you perceive something, it will become real.  If not you and the others around, at the very least yourself.  Which is enough since you live in your own world/mind.


Letting your point of view be warped by another is hazardous, too.  If a family member says, "You can't be happy and make any living being an artist" and you take it to heart, beginning to see as they do, that life won't happen.  You won't be happy or successful as an artist.  We have to remember, sometimes when others are speaking to us, they can be speaking from their perspective and view of themselves.  Maybe that family member says you can't succeed as an artist because they can't.  Maybe that person says you can live as a bank teller living the average 9 to 5 because they could.  Take to heart only what goes with your vision of yourself!  If a complete stranger says, "Your art will rock the socks of the creative world!" and that's what you want, add it to how you see yourself.  If someone says, "Your art stinks and you should stick to your day job" take that as nonconstructive criticism, give them deuces and go on your way.  

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Ah yes friend, you may be thinking, "How do I change my perspective from negative to positive?"  A reasonable question.  One way that I embrace from time to time is "Fake it 'till you make it".  Ever hear this phrase? It's honestly what has to happen in times of insecurity.  If you pretend standing on one foot in Tree Pose is cake when you're a person with and exceptional lack of balance, though not instantly, it will become easy.  Acting like you've already won gives you the starting place to actually winning.  How?  If you've already won, you don't have to focus so much on the challenges because they're already vanquished.  When the difficulties do arise, you just snap your fingers in a "Z" formation and say, "I already got this" and go get it.


Another ways is to actively alter your perspective of life and how you're living. I've read if you think or write about at least 3 positive events, people, whatever, just 3 positive things in your life or day, everyday, life will begin to look pretty peachy.  Even if you don't do it every day, from time to time (more often than not) take a moment to think a thought along the lines of "Hey, today I had a great breakfast, read an awesome book and saw the stars before I walked into the house tonight." that brief moment will brighten everything.


Don Quixote had it right all along!  I LOVE the movie "Man of La Mancha" with Peter O'Toole and Sophia Loren.  Everyone thought Quixote was crazy for believing life to be something out of a fairy tale.  In the end, it turned out he was the smartest one!  (There is So much I can say about this movie.  I was extremely moved.  I might have to post about it.) If you can, please watch it.  It's a really great movie in terms of message and craft.  "Don Juan DeMarco" with Marlon Brando and my man Johnny Depp is another great example.  If you see the world as wondrous, though not always, it will be most of the time! 


When was a time you changed your perspective from one way to another and saw change?


See with your HEART and not with your head.


Namaste my friend,


~Writer Yogi