Today I had the thought, "Who Am I?" Probably one of the oldest questions around and one whose answer can change from year to year or month in the same person. A friend of mine, Sharon Pingitore, read an article I wrote, The Yoga Diaries: Sweat & Spirituality, to her class. I was so honored she would ask to do this and that it turns out my words were well received and others could relate. I am so proud and in awe that I can make a difference to others which is exactly what I want to do.
This brought up the classic question. Who am I? The answer I got was "I am what I do". I do yoga. What I do with yoga is I explore it and spirituality. I write. I write of inspiration, and love and whatever else moves me. So I am a yogi, a seeker and writer of the truths I see. What an amazing feeling to know I am what I have wanted to be. Like in the article "You are already there." Man! I can't even explain how crazy it is. Crazy in a good way to know I am on the path I've been searching for after choosing the wrong way so many times.
It brings up the claustrophobic feeling I have had for the past week and into this one. I do work too much at a job I have absolutely no heart for. I do put effort into something that brings me no joy and I see as a waste of time I could be putting into my practice and writing for others. It took a while, but I have finally got it out! YES! (I have been contemplating this for some days now). Perhaps the claustrophobic feeling is coming from not necessarily having a lack of space, but trying to fit something into the wrong space.
Like trying to put a square into a circle. It's not that the space isn't sufficient, the circle fits just fine. The square just doesn't belong so it wont fit! There is no space for it, its all wrong. By George, she's on a roll! I have been feeling crowded because my current occupation is being crammed where it doesn't belong. It's the square to my circular space. Now, this space is a long space. It's big. That's why you can fit more than one circle in it. It just has to be a circle!
I'm working weekends, and all throughout the week, running around all day, then trying to find time to write, practice and spend time with the ones I love. The later is trying to stay where it belongs and is almost being pushed out because the stupid square is clogging up the space. Forcing itself to be where it shouldn't and therefore twisting and turning around to try to make room.
The sides are all smashed and wedged,chipping, and the area it's in is just about ready to burst! I've got to find a knife and hack away at it. Or gently begin to carve it out so it falls away. Or, better yet, shape it into a circle!
This square, my doing what I am not meant to do, is wedged in this round area. The space cut out for me to live my passions, dreams and my calling. What to do with something crammed in a space that it won't get out of? Change,its size and shape! I'll cut off the corners a bit. Round out the rigid sides. Condense it a bit, and there. you've got a circle! If I am working harder at anything, it needs to be changing my career to being a writer. Change my lifestyle to include more yoga. Explore more spirituality from my practice and myself. Then share what I have and continue to learn from others.
Geez, I am so glad I finally got that all sorted out. We learn our shapes when we are young. Triangle with the triangle. Star with a star. But as we get older, we think we're smarter than that and try to fit things where they don't belong. It's like we regress. "Nope, this rectangle is going to fit into this star by God! I can do it!" It's scary to do what comes easy to us at times. To go with the natural flow of things. Letting the circle drop oh so smoothly into the round space.
It comes from society and ourselves. In my case, a little of both. How many times have you hear "Oh, so you want to be a writer? You don't think you're going to be Stephen King do you?" Or "There is no money in that" And there is yourself. "What if people don't read me?" Mixed with society. "I really love what I do, but how will I make living? I guess I'll have to get a regular job on the side right?"
Wrong. You can, but that doesn't mean you should. You don't have to. Another old saying, "If there is a will there is a way". People live by being writers and yogis all the time. And that is what they do. Some with other jobs on the side. And some not. More yogi's I am getting to know who have jobs on the side, love that job! We get caught up in doing what we are supposed to do to supplement ourselves and forget, You can do what you love even if you are not rich and famous. Something I feel is a message that lacks advertisement.
I will leave you with this. Are there any squares shoved in your circular space? Is there a way for you to change its shape? If not, don't sculpt it, just cut it out and let it fall away. Whose coming back to nursery school with me? Let's work on our shapes!
with love, namaste